I never learn… don’t read the comment section…

Welcome to a photo-less blog post to discuss the results of my failure not to read the comment section.

CONTENT AND TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains explicit discussions about suicide, suicidal ideation, mental health, and navigating mental health crises. Don’t read this if you are feeling especially vulnerable.

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I recently read a post on PostSecret where someone revealed that he was planning to unalive himself over Christmas, but stayed on account of having to look after a dog with little/no notice. Someone commented “Please don’t. In the vast scope of your life, this difficulty is temporary.”

To which I replied, “How are you so certain about this? Have you spoken to the OP about their situation?” Which I thought was a fair question, if I am being real about it.

And someone else chipped in with “she’s being supportive, Carrie, in the best way she can. Give some grace.”

And this is what I want to talk about. Because I strongly believe that this isn’t good enough, and that people who genuinely care need to do more. So let’s talk.

I am someone who lives with chronic suicidal ideation. I have lived with it since at least the time that I was 13 years old; it could be longer, but my memories of my formative years are quite fuzzy overall. As someone who lives with suicidal ideation, and wound up in psych emergency services (PES – i.e., the psych ward) twice this year, I have some idea of how this story goes, as well as the kinds of messaging that people have been programmed to say on account of business campaigns like Bell’s Let’s Talk, which rakes in a huge amount of tax-deductible money for the Canadian monopolic conglomerate. Donate to raise money for mental health, and all that.

(Speaking of which – please don’t give your dollars to Bell. They’re a horrible company that treat their employees like garbage and give literally zero shits about mental health. They just want the tax break that you provide with your dollars. If you need recommendations on good organizations, please leave a comment. I promise, I’ll give you some good ones.)

I need to speak up, to tell you that what most people know about mental illness is wrong. Especially if you yourself have never lived with it. I am not a foremost expert as far as academic goes, but I am someone with 25 years of experience in the subject, which I think gives me the right to speak on it from my perspective.

Let’s go over some of the much-publicized talking points, like the example given above, and why they can be problematic or worse, even harmful/exacerbate the issue.

“In the grand scheme of things, it won’t matter” - This is gaslighting 101. The “grand scheme of things” doesn’t apply to this moment in time, right now, during this difficulty in life. Not to mention that one’s perceived “grand scheme” is not equal to someone else’s “grand scheme”. So please cut this phrase out of your lexicon unless you’re speaking directly and specifically about yourself.

The last time someone said some variation of this to me, when I was going through a particularly bad moment, I responded very sarcastically with, “Thanks. I’m cured.”

I’ve never reached out to them again. I can’t trust them anymore.

“Count your blessings/Be grateful” - You can have passive and/or active suicidal ideation, AND be grateful for what you have. The two are not mutually exclusive. Which also means that gratitude for your life as-is is not necessarily enough to compel someone to remain on the planet.

“Reach out when you’re struggling” - While this can be helpful, a significant portion of the mental illness community living with depression and/or suicidal ideation tend to isolate themselves rather than reach out for help. In my particular flavour of mental illness, it generally does not even occur to me to reach out for help, and the few times I have have been experience enough to make me think twice about reaching out again. And I know I am not the only person who feels this way. It’s not that the person saying “reach out” means ill or anything; it’s not that at all. But it’s what comes after when the reaching out and subsequent contact has been made that can often be a trigger-point that makes or breaks resolve; that makes or breaks trust within relationships (including friendships), and more.

“So many other people have it so much harder than you do” - “Harder” is a relative term, and a value judgment. As a very wise friend of my once said to me, “We all have our own hell.” Please avoid making comparative statements, even if you think you know it all. See Gaslighting 101.

“Call a crisis line if you’re struggling” - As someone who has called crisis lines, and has been on a party line to support other people making the call to crisis, it can be very difficult to find someone with the knowledge, experience, compassion, and understanding (and you need all 4 in truth) to handle someone in active crisis. Many crisis lines are run by volunteers (I was one myself, within a program called Teen Talkline, and our training was negligible). It doesn’t mean that volunteers are useless by any means at all. But what it does mean that people calling crisis lines are banking on folks with sometimes very little experience to be able to listen well, respond well, and to have a strong knowledge of the resources available if their support boundaries fall short.

So what can you do to help?

First off, assume you don’t know everything, because you likely won’t. This ties in closely with my second critical point, which is to actively listen. Let me explain:

It doesn’t matter what you know already. It doesn’t matter if the same issue has been existing a long time. It doesn’t matter how many other times the person has said they felt suicidal. The primary concern is NOW, and especially during active suicidal ideation, the following 24 hours are critical to one's survival.

If it feels comfortable, you can ask if there is a plan in place, and if the person has an up-to-date safety plan established. Some folks in active crisis are truly looking for a permanent solution; others just need their pain to stop by any means necessary. There is a distinction between the two things. If you’re not sure what that distinction is, that is perfectly okay, but please understand that if someone reaches out to you, it may be an inconvenient time for you, but it might be the only time for them—and you are the person that they trusted to pick up the (figurative) phone. Do not call 911 unless you have been given explicit consent to do so. Failure to respect this will likely destroy any trust they once had in you, and potentially end your relationship to that person.

If you are going to offer your support to someone living with mental illness, please prepare yourself accordingly, whether it’s brushing up on your knowledge of trauma, mental illness, etc., or making sure your phone’s Do Not Disturb mode doesn’t include them as someone to mute during whatever specified hours. And if the precise moment that someone reaches out to you for help really is a time that you cannot be present for them, make concrete plans to contact them. Be specific about time, place (if relevant), or modality (phone, Zoom, TikTok, whatever) and stick to that time. Be specific if you might need a grace period on account of running late. Sometimes people in active crisis are literally watching the clock and if you don’t show up, it can have potentially devastating consequences.

Tell them how much you love them. Emphasize how much they are loved, and how missed they would be. Offer some kind of branch for them to cling to for a short-term period.

Example: A close friend of mine was recently in distress, so I invited them to family dinner for Christmas, and secured a vehicle to be able to pick up and drop off. The plans unfortunately crashed and burn because they were exposed to COVID — but we whipped up a quick plan to meet for drinks on Zoom for Christmas night and to have a big ole talk about nothing in particular. It was successful and lovely.

If you are going to tell people to reach out, make sure you’re doing your part and reaching out first, otherwise you are asking a person already overburdened with societal stigma, shame, fear, and a whole gamut of other feelings to put out extra effort that they likely don’t have—because they are conserving it all for literal survival—to take several extra steps that often feel too exhausting to bother with when going to bed sounds easier.

Seriously, though. I have been known to literally text people I know demanding selfies or Zoom chats as proof of life if I think something is amiss. If you are going to offer support, you need to be able to take the first step. Don’t put the burden on people who are already suffering.

If you know that your person is struggling with eating or with hygiene and/or basic house tasks and you have the ability, another option is to offer to buy your friend or loved one a SkipTheDishes or UberEats meal. Ask them if they would benefit from a quiet visit. Help them on their quest for therapy (which is inaccessible and expensive). Offer to be their medical advocate so they can apply for PWD with as little stress as possible. If they consent to an at-home visit, bring a favourite video game, movie, or your Netflix password. Or if you have a very specific level of consensual intimacy, help them bathe, brush their hair — even offer a cuddle. Sometimes presence is all that is needed, even if it’s through a text message.

If your friend/loved one is considering going to the hospital, offer to pay for the taxi/Uber, or better yet – offer to drive them if you can. There is no greater symbol of love to me, than someone who loves you enough to see you safely to a place of greater safety than where you are right now, especially if suicidal ideation is active and may continue to be over the immediate course of time.

Important note: If you think someone is actively suicidal, please do not call the police. Law enforcement has little to no training on de-escalation that does not involve a weapon, and if there is the slightest suspicion that someone is a danger to themselves (let alone to others), your friend or loved one may die. That is the reality of wellness checks for a lot of us.

Especially for racialized communities.

ESPECIALLY for Black and Indigenous people.

And most especially for BIPOC trans folks.

The statistics are a matter of public record.

My last thoughts on the subject — if you do all of the above and still lose your loved one to suicide:

Please do not blame yourself. It is a very easy thing to do to yourself and is an unfair conviction to your character, your sense of self, and your identity. Your person was not a coward for dying by suicide, and you are not to blame for any action(s) taken. Allow yourself grace. When you can, drop-kick the assholes who shit on your person for whatever has gone down. Life is too short to have people in your life who are all too willing to discard someone for how they chose to resolve their situation (which, let’s be real, was likely the only option they saw available to them).

All we can ever do is our best. Part of our best means to give our time and effort meaningfully to the person in crisis, which means not leaning on capitalist, colonial systems that actively work towards killing off “undesirables” including the disabled, the neurodivergent, the mentally ill, the poor, and so many more. I will go to my grave believing that capitalism (as Canada/USA has come to know it) is a primary branch of fascism that is dependent on killing people with impunity in order to raise the profit margins.

Please allow yourself space to grieve. Anger is a very healthy part of grief, and it is important for your own health and well-being to allow yourself to process the feelings you develop. You may even hate your person for what they did. I get it. It’s okay. Please just allow the feeling to be temporary; don’t carry the burden with you. Survivor’s guilt happens, and it is normal.

Again, this is my personal take, based on my lived experiences. I don’t pretend to speak on behalf of anyone except myself. All of this to say that I really ought to stop reading the goddamn comment section where social media is concerned, but let’s be real: I’ll probably do it again, as it turns out, because I never learn.